Once upon a time, I had a drinking problem. I probably could’ve been considered an alcoholic. I used to be someone who worried and stressed excessively, and it felt like the only time I didn’t care about anything, was when I was drinking. It provided such a relief from my anxiety, that it truly became a hobby of mine. After a few beers, I became someone who was carefree, brave, daring, outgoing, and “the life of the party”, which was literally everything opposite of who I was sober. I loved drunk me. Until I started to hate her.
The anxiety I was running from came back full force in the form of a massive hangover, some terrible decisions, weight gain, and to top it off…anxiety brought back her loyal companion, depression. After a few years of day drinking, night drinking, pulling all nighters, eating like crap, making decisions that I knew weren’t right and feeling constant remorse, feeling like death, and doing it all over again, I realized I was in a vicious cycle. At this point, I drank to avoid all the awful feelings alcohol addiction brought with it. The only time I even liked myself was when I was completely disconnected from myself and everything around me; and really, does that even count?
I’d like to say that upon realizing this I changed instantly. But like any addiction that also fulfills another need, it didn’t happen that way. I did slow it way down though. Instead of drinking a bottle of wine upon waking up on the weekends, drinking 4 or 5 nights during the week and closing down the bars, I cut down to only having a beer or glass of wine at dinner a few nights a week.
There are some things that happened within the first couple weeks, with just this simple change:
- I lost 9 lbs. I used to diet, do cardio, try to eat ‘healthy’, and STILL not see changes I wanted to see in my body. But simply by not drinking near as much, I lost weight. Alcohol is chocked full of empty, useless calories. It’s also proven to slow down metabolism, and affect the quality and amount of sleep our bodies truly need for optimal health and recovery. I also used to love Waffle House and McDonalds at 2am. Not to mention, my hangover would be in charge of my cravings the following day, and I can promise you wouldn’t catch me eating a salad. So, losing weight quickly, was in hindsight, a given.
- I felt better. I had more energy and clarity, which I’m sure also had a lot to do with getting better sleep. I didn’t waste my days away curled in a fetal position accompanied by bouts of throwing up (sorry, tmi. But it’s true). I felt less anxious and depressed. I wasn’t completely cured from the latter two for quite some time, but at least I wasn’t dealing with the consequences from drinking that added the extra layers of anxiety and depression, as much anymore.
I continued to slow down my drinking for the next few years, keeping it at a glass or two of wine (in the privacy of my own home) before bed a few times a month, and the occasional outing with my girl friends where I’d still drink enough to feel hungover the next day, but I had come leaps and bounds from where I used to be. I still knew that I was outgrowing the person I once was when I drank alcohol at all. Every time I’d get the craving, it was never as satisfying as the idea in my head said it would be. I started to ask myself what I thought drinking would provide for me, and why it always seemed to let me down. I thought it would provide stress relief. Nope, just gave me more stress. I thought it would make me more fun. Nah, just more foolish. I thought it would be a good way to socialize and “let loose”. Negative, just more hazy memories.
It just wasn’t serving me anymore.
I’ve tried to have a drink here and there in the last year, and the moment I felt my head change, I no longer welcomed the feeling. I hated it. It reminds me of everything I never want to be, or feel, again. Usually, when I decided to have a drink in the first place, I’m not doing well mentally at the moment. So instead of running away now, I meet the problem head on. Drinking is never the solution. Its just a problem disguised as a solution.
Here’s what happened after alcohol stopped serving me, fully.
- I became more present. I live a life I can actually remember, and not one I need filled in on the next day. I’m more conscious of my actions. YAY for less cringe worthy moments. I’m more aware of my surroundings, and that includes all of my blessings.
- The energy I used to spend on drinking is now spent on things that fill my cup, not take from it. I get to enjoy time reading, working out, doing yoga or going on a hike or walk, cooking vibrant meals, deep cleaning and creating an environment I like being in, and my favorite of all: I get to spend time with my family and friends making memories untouched by alcohol.
- I started saving money. A night out with friends and those few bottles of wine a month can add up real quick, and it takes away from your budget that could be spent on quality experiences and purchases. Peace out to drunk impulse buys and buyers remorse.
- Lastly, I get to live a life I’m proud of. I have learned new and healthier ways to manage my stress. I can recognize when I’m running from my problems, and instead learn to tackle them head on. I don’t embarrass myself nearly as much by doing things that would never align with my true self. I may still embarrass myself some, but at least not in that way anymore. lol.
- I glow from the inside out. When you take care of your body, you take care of your mind, and it will always show.
If you are curious about what life is like without alcohol, this is what it did for me. It’s scary to jump from the familiar to the unfamiliar, but in my experience, everything positive was waiting in it’s place. It may not be an overnight change, but it’s possible to make the changes, one step at a time. Give yourself so much grace along the way. If you’re anything like me, you’ll be so thankful you did.